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Kristen Koester-Smith

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    28.

    written by Kristen Koester-Smith

    I will remember 28.

    I’ll remember that he delayed his trip to spend the week of my birthday with me

    And how he refused to let me pout that night.

    I’ll remember lying on the filthy couch on the balcony and watching him read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

    And knowing right then that I was in love with him.

    I’ll remember resistance and awkward transitions

    And finally seeing that there was nothing to lose, only something to have.

    I’ll remember a cold trip to Melbourne

    And the guilt that came after.

    I’ll remember the pain of that broken part being seen for exactly what it was

    And the peace that came after I forgave it.

    I’ll remember  a sunset on Koh Lanta

    And chilling at Chill Grill.

    I’ll remember being on stage

    And making a crowd laugh.

    I’ll remember being on stage

    And forgetting my lines.

    I’ll remember being on stage

    And seeing ‘me too’ in their eyes.

    I’ll remember special shakes in Pai

    And the power of zero.

    I’ll remember the hedges in Bath

    And sneaking a smoke near Stonehenge.

    I’ll remember walking for ages in Amsterdam thinking we were pretty screwed

    And it turning out totally fine. Better actually.

    I’ll remember how the Onsens in Japan blistered my toes

    And watching an underground rap battle I couldn’t understand.

    I’ll remember having the perfect meal with him in Thailand

    And finishing his steak.

    I’ll remember that news crashing through my world like a meteorite

    And realizing I could never be as innocent again.

    I’ll remember the disappointment of losing something that was only real in the past

    And knowing it had come full circle.

    I’ll remember 10 days of silence

    And Coldplay’s Yellow on repeat in my head.

    I’ll remember that massive spider on my bathroom wall in Chiang Mai

    And learning new anatomy.

    I’ll remember that hike in the Indian city of lakes

    And the Iranian Sweedish girl giving me the best compliment of my life.

    I’ll remember almost losing it at Rainforest

    And finding it inside.

    I’ll remember him finally finding me there

    And being reminded he would do anything for me.

    I’ll remember a plane ride over Seattle

    And that ugly blue house.

    I’ll remember being given a gift  of blue and purple glass

    And it shattering along with my world.

    I’ll remember that phone call

    And that panic in my chest.

    I’ll remember living with pain

    And getting used to it.

    I’ll remember that saying goodbye to mom and dad never gets any easier

    And that in Idaho coconut oil is a solid.

    I’ll remember MKF

    And my birthday twin in Tulum.

    I’ll remember the rancher hat that changed my life

    And the advice to stop whatever else I was doing and write.

    And then I’ll remember 29.

    February 11, 2019 0 comment
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  • Blog

    I’m Always Leaving

    by Kristen Koester-Smith November 5, 2018

    Or at least that what’s it feels like. 2 years here, 2 years there, repeat. It seems like saying goodbye…

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    The Properties of Gold

    by Kristen Koester-Smith April 24, 2018

    As a health tonic, My grandfather ate Gold. Atomic Number: AU, Is what he said to my her, As she…

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    Phases of the Moon

    by Kristen Koester-Smith March 30, 2018

    28 days old and she’s whole. She appears. Full. Magical. Dressed in satin black and diamonds. The others are star…

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    A Different Type of Starving Artist

    by Kristen Koester-Smith January 9, 2018

    I used to say I write to bleed the pain out of me, which, albeit angst-y, was true and certainly…

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  • BlogNon-fiction

    Abby

    by Kristen Koester-Smith September 20, 2017

    I feel her bones in my bones. She’s always been there. I was born with the knowing. Her story has…

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  • Blog

    The Rat.

    by Kristen Koester-Smith May 5, 2017

    Part 1: The Bleed That rat-tat-tatting in her head. The melancholy won’t leave her alone. No matter what she does to…

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  • Blog

    Here.

    by Kristen Koester-Smith April 19, 2017

    I have this thing Where sometimes I’m fine Sometimes I know my path and I know what’s good for me.…

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  • Blog

    Exorcism

    by Kristen Koester-Smith March 23, 2017

    I pulled you from the depths of me. My mouth opened wide and groans of love pain love pain Came…

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  • Blog

    On Losing Weight

    by Kristen Koester-Smith November 14, 2016

    I used to be fat. I used to be disgusting. I used to have so much cellulite it actually hurt to see myself in swimsuits.I used to have a muffin top so big my jeans would leave a crease on my skin for hours after I took them off.I used to have thighs thick it was hard to even fathom they were mine. I had this sick desire to get rid of my legs all together—if only I could just rip them off.

    The self-loathing was so rich that I used to dig my nails into those soft, cellulite-y thighs and scratch as deep as I could. I would bare my teeth and look in the mirror and scream (under my breath so my parents/roommates/people in the dressing room next to me wouldn’t hear), “You fat fuck. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you.”

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